Category Archives: commentary

Wasn’t there forever…

deep inside my heart

My first apartment was a 3rd floor split-level walkup in a haunted old Hollywood-Tudor frame house. It had been built in 1908, by the developer of a then exlusive neighborhood called Carrol Park.

It was a time when houses, if they were big enough, had names. The name of my house was Brown Gables and it reached about four stories above the two story neighborhood.

Our living room and kitchen were on the third floor but my bedroom was on a split level in between floors, with my roomie sleeping on an elevated loft above that — a full floor above the living room. The peaked roof rose another 15 feet or so above the loft. My bedroom was on the split level. It was part of a large gable, with three three light windows across the street side.

I used to eat breakfast on the rickety, swaying two flight wooden stair that led dizzyingly down from our kitchen’s back door, a story and a half straight on each flight. Our landlord was a neighboring church that was renting out the scheduled-to-be-torn-down old house, divided into five apartments during the tough times of the depression, to students from the local university.

Growing up in the postwar suburbs of Orange County, California, I found the old house the most exotic place I could imagine for a first apartment. I never saw the ghost but my roommate said he thought he did. A Sikh engineering student the next floor down had felt its presence and heard things. Another tennant, a young woman, had seen the ghost, a middle aged man, several times.

House legend had it that the ghost was the former aide and companion of a retired WWI general, supposedly killed in a lover’s quarrel by his longtime boss, who was subsequently sent away to an institution for the criminally insane, as those facilities were quaintly known back then.

As one might imagine, the wiring in the old house — apparently mostly unimproved since its building six decades before, a time when electricity was pretty much used for lights and maybe those new-fangled toasters that had just started being manufactured — was primitive.

There were no circuit-breaker panels at Brown Gables.

There was just a dingey — and singed –row of old-fashioned fuses with grease pencil labels over them, protected by a little slanted awning, tucked under the bottom leg of the back stairs.

I should hope it will horrify modern readers to think that college students — about half of them grad students — would do something as absurdly dangerous as substituting a slug for a fuse but that’s exactly what happened when no one had a fuse and papers needed to be written or Coltrane listened to.

The smudged and blackened area around some of the fuse sockets attested to that danger, yet standard practice when confronting an overheating slug was to simply turn off some appliances and try to go on about normal life. And, of course, try to remember to pick up a box of fuses on the way back from class in the morning.

Brown Gables never burned down, happily for those of us more than three stories above the ground and safety, but they eventually herded us out under court order (at least I got something like a month’s rent free, that was nice). We tried a lot of last ditch efforts, invoking the building’s historic status (that was most of town in those days, though… much of it sadly gone, now), even holding a tiny protest before a bewildered reporter from the local daily, whose seemed considerably more sympathetic to soulless institution tearing our home out from under us.

Actually, the church caretaker who served as our property manager, was a real nice old fellow, so it wasn’t as though we were directly mistreated. Of course, the church tore his house down to build an old folks home.

They put a parking lot where Brown Gables had been.

What, you were asking yourself back when you still cared, does any of this to do with today’s song, which, for crying out loud, isn’t even about fuses but rather about a circuit breaker, which is really just a slightly goofy metaphor, anyhow…

Nothin’ much.

AYoS Thursday, October 13, 2005
AYoS Saturday, March 11, 2006

Internet Archive page for this recording

Circuit Breaker

Honey there’s a circuit breaker
deep inside my heart
late last nite I felt the whole thing blow
I felt all my feelings stop

Isn’t it amazing, doll
how fast it all can change
the twitch of a tiny hand
and today is yesterday

The love l felt for you
was like a frozen photograph
where you watch the ghosts appear
baby, step into the past

Isn’t it amazing, doll…

Wasnt there forever
at least for a little while
wasnt there a time for us
too bad that’s out of style

Isn’t it amazing, doll
how fast it all can change
the twitch of a tiny hand
and today is yesterday

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It’s your second chance for the very last time

The Devil's Quicksand

The cartoonish admonitory that is the subject of today’s post is a tribute, in its way, to the pre-Just Say No anti-drug movies I watched on rickety, flickering 16 mm projectors as a none-too wayward youth. (I was, likely as not, the guy tasked to setting up and monitoring the projector.)

Thanks to the goofy, over-the-top antics of a lost generation of young educational film actors (“And now from his triumphant role in ‘Your Hygiene and You’ comes…”) some very unfunny drugs actually gained a sort of anything-for-a-laugh charisma.

Projector geek I may have been but I got hip and cynical later and had many exciting adventures that do not bear talking about here (ahem). Still, I somehow managed to dodge the obvious and dangerous drug traps (unless you count alcohol, that is, but we’ll save that for another post). Unhappily, not all my friends and loved ones have been as lucky.

Drugs can make you a clown — like the pathetic dude in this song — but at least in death a junkie can suddenly become a complex, troubled person again, gaining again a little of the dignity squandered in life.

previous AYoS version (2/19/2005)
Internet Archive page for this recording

Special Insider Sneak: The long-hidden electric version

The Devil’s Quicksand

It’s your second chance for the very last time
with your head in your hands and your future behind
grab your life pull as hard as you can
cause your up to your neck in the devil’s quicksand

if she told you once it was good advice
but a thousand times now that’s just a slice
of some other reality you’d prefer to ignore
it’s just that easy you shut the door

on the love she gave it was just too good
and you always hated how she understood
and you walked away and you felt so free
in the park that day spinning under the trees

but now its cold and the darkness comes
and the drugs wear off and your chums are scum
and the cyst on your arm is turning green
and the one-eyeds guys sez it’s the worst he’s seen

so you drag your ass to the ER room
and you wait 12 hours while the TV booms
and the little kids and the sobbing man
and the angel of death is right at hand

you just cant wait and you run outside
in the streetlight night you stop and cry
“is this their pain–or is it mine?”
you ask yourself but you knew all the time

it’s your second chance for the very last time
with your head in your hands and your future behind
grab your life pull as hard as you can
cause your up to your neck in the devil’s quicksand

twenty cents is all it takes
but ya drop the dimes cause ya got the shakes
ya try again an ya get ’em in
but the the phone just rings and your gut caves in

your knees give out ya hit the ground
people walking by just step around
ya see the sky you see the rain
ya see your ashes in a bag in a paupers grave

but the phones in your hand and your hanging on
and just before the dark her voice comes on
and ya tell her “baby just one last time”
she doesn’t say nothing you hear her crying

her sobbing lasts for such a long time
you almost forget why you’re on the line
then it comes back like a drano slam
you got one last chance slip this jam

“come on baby i’m on the bricks”
you can almost hear her kitchen clock tick
“I ain’t done nothin’ in 36 hours
and I need a place to take a shower”

and then it comes and you know you’re dead
her hollow laugh fills up your head
she drops the phone and it hits the floor
you hear her walk away and laugh some more

it’s your second chance for the very last time
with your head in your hands and your future behind
grab your life pull as hard as you can
cause your up to your neck in the devil’s quicksand

(C)1997, TK Major

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A thousand girls have told me so…

California eucalyptus

They used to call me the bard of bitterness, denial, and regret. Well… it was kind of a one-liner I made up to put on my show flyers. But… you know.

I think I mentioned sometime last year that a girl I’d once dated, early in our relationship, asked me to sing her a love song. “I don’t mean you have to sing it to me,” she said. “That would seem a bit presumptious, I think.” College girls…

“Just sing me something romantic and I’ll pretend it’s about me.” And she laughed.

I had my songbooks right there — I’m almost completely incapable of performing any of my songs from memory (crazy as that might seem considering most of them have no more than 3 or 4 chords spread over 3 or 4 quatrains) — so I started flipping through them, giving one line descriptions of each song as I flipped by…

“Drug overdose song. Betrayal song. Threw-it-all-away song. Another betrayal song. Fare-thee-well-and-flog-off song. Another threw-it-all-away song…

“Ah, here it is, my love song: ‘I Must Be F—— Nuts.’ I knew I had one.”

(It’s a good one but I’ve yet to figure out how to do it justice in this blog. It’s… well… it’s a bit vulgar. But it is a love song.)

Anyhow, those who’ve been following this blog will probably have already guessed that there were a lot of threw-it-all-away songs in those books. It’s like, oh, you know, a recurring theme, I guess. Though anyone with access to a DSM might come up with a less charitable characterization.

I’m not really sure why I like this one so much… except maybe that I crack myself up every time I sing the line quoted in the title of this post. I’m certainly not the libertine the line would suggest but there’s still some kind of poetic truth there, nonetheless.

Internet Archive page for this recording

AYoS version 19 November 2005
AYoS version 2 March 2006

She’d Be Mine

Last time I saw her a couple years ago
she was shovin a couple of kids in a white volvo
the sun came down through the eucalyptus trees
it made her hair just glow like it always used to be

just then I wish I could have said the words
that I could never say
cause if I’d told her baby I’ll be yours
she’d be mine today

the pool house the beach house the boat house by the lake
I’ll be damned if I can remember a thing
yet everytime I think about holding hands in school
my heart just pounds like it always used to do

right now I wish I could have said the words…

sometimes when I sleep I call her name
a thousand girls have told me so
I thre it all awaly and now I want it back
and I know it can never be so
[I know it can never be so]

and right now I wish I could have said the words
that I could never say
cause if I’d told her baby I’ll be yours
she’d be mine today

(C)1998 TK Major
October

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The view from the hayloft door

I just started to cry...

There’s a doomed beauty in knowing you’re about to make what you’ll probably look back on as the mistake of your life. Everything seems more real, more vivid, more 3D.

You look around as though it’s the last time you’re ever going to see familiar surroundings… and in a way, you’re right. Nothing will ever be the same, again.

And you know you have to do it, anyway.

I wrote this song as a kind of bluegrass thing but I turned it on its head, here, into a kind of swamp folk rock indulgence that I think exposes some other facets of the song, highlighting the youthful passion and lust for life and love. Which is not, actually, what I was thinking when I came up with the music for this version.

Instead, I’d been so annoyed with an attempt to do this song the previous night in a sensitive, finger-picked style that I decided, really, to just invert the style and approach. (The George Castanza Strategy. If everything you do turns out wrong, do the opposite.)

Internet Archive page for this recording
previous AYoS version

I Just Started to Cry

We ran through the summer night
it was hot and it was black
we ran until we were all alone
and didn’t even know the way back

We were young
we were in love
that summer we were one
when I look back I start to cry
to think of what is gone

A storm came up from the south real fast
and lightning lit the rain
I looked in her eyes for a moment
and then it was dark again

Our hands entwined and then our tongues
we were soaking wet
we made our way to the old Hansen barn
and there our souls met

I woke up the next morning
and she slept by my side
the sunlight poured through the hayloft door
and I just started to cry

I cried cause she looked so pretty lying there
I cried because I loved her so
I cried cause I knew she was the only one
and I cried cause I knew I was gonna go

(C) 1991 TK MAJOR

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