Category Archives: microprose

I Was Just a Kid

I Was Just a Kid

 

 

I was just a kid when I wrote this.

To the best of my ability to remember, I think it’s about my first puppy love broken heart.

The two women who would probably think they knew who it was about would be mistaken, in all likelihood, because once my brief but tragically deep bout of puppy love was over, I put Donna out of my mind as completely as I could… and, happily, in those days I had a lot of distractions.

But when I was in the middle of it… oh boy. I felt — repeat after me, kids — like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. (There must be an endocrine gland somewhere in the human body which secretes a hormone that produces that precise feeling — since that phrase pops up in every third account of a broken heart. But, cliche or not, that’s pretty well how I felt.)

Now… in the song, the kid, the protagonist, my alter ego, appears to have somehow caused some sort of blip on The Other’s emotional radar — certainly he refers to it.

But the reality was a bit different, I’m afraid. Sure, Donna made some gentle but firm noises about how breaking up with me was hard for her, too, but it was painfully clear to me that she was moving on and not looking back.

And in a few months, she was barely a blip on my emotional radar.

You couldn’t say that about the next two women in my life… they both owned me entirely — in very different ways — for many years after that… It seemed like whichever was farthest away haunted me. When one was in Morocco and the other was here… my mind was in Morocco. When the first was home and the second was in Germany… I fantasized about showing up on her doorstep in Bad Kreuznach. I obsessed.

And then they were both gone.

I didn’t really know what to do or what to think…

In time, I kind of moved on.

Kind of…

I think this is the oldest song I’ve posted here. I used to consider it the second “keeper” I’d written. I think I performed it the very first time I played in front of an audience. (It was just a lunchtime open mic at my university — but it was about five years before I should have played in front of an audience. I was pathetic. And I say that with the dispassionate distance that more than three decades of playing in front of all kinds of audiences brings. I was truly pathetic. Ya hadda be there.)

As I got a few more finished songs in my folio, this one got kicked into the needs-work file and… like so many denizens of that of that spottedly sunny but ultimately purgatorially gloomy kingdom… it never got finished. Until Now. I changed a chord (or maybe not… I barely remember) and I’m calling that done. It has almost no words? So be it.

[The photo of me in this post is actually about 15 years later, not long after I’d come out of performance retirement to begin playing again as a solo.]

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I Was Just a Kid

I was just a kid who’d memorized some lines
I never dreamed I would hurt you
you said we couldn’t run from the pain that would come
now you wear that pain
and it suits you

we picked up out places in the game that went before
the path lay in lies to be burned through
if I could run back home I would lay me back down
and suckle at the breast of virtue

(C) 1972, TK Major

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All right… Why a duck?

I walked along the aqueduct just before the dawn...

 

I walked along the aqueduct
just before the dawn.
The sun looked old and tired as it came up
but at least now the night is gone…

 

The old college try.

One last night of talking. Crying. Yelling, maybe. Holding each other quietly. And then walking out into the morning air and knowing nothing will ever be the same again.

Do it enough times, you get good at it.

I had favorite spots I’d go when I was nursing a broken heart. I don’t want to give them away… especially since some of them were also my favorite spots for winning a girl over… crashing surf has often had a positive affect on my love life. It’s the ions or something.

But there aren’t any good aqueducts around here, though. Not that I know of. Maybe some up in the mountains. So that part of this song was pretty much fiction. Southern California leans more toward concrete-trapped rivers… which have their own parched charm, I suppose but have never drawn me through the hazy nether-consciousness of a broken heart as have various seaside cliffs, dumpy oil well-covered hills overlooking endless grids of twinkling lights, or lonely stretches of sand.

But I have strolled along a few aqueducts in North America and Europe and I thought there was something kind of evocative about the notion.

Also, characters in my songs had walked by oceans, rivers, streams, floated on ponds, splashed in puddles, driven along lonely coasts and generally explored most of the other song-worthy picturesques that come easily to mind.

That’s why.

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Now, Baby It’s Never

Everything you say
seems to mean goodbye
Though we talked forever
I never did know why

Now baby its never
our time wont come again
This time forever baby
This time it’s the end

Tonight when I kissed you
it burned me to my soul
Everything I thought I knew
was all a lie I know

Now baby its never…

I walked along the aqueduct
just before the dawn
The sun looked old and tired as it came up
but at least, now, the night is gone

Now baby its never
our time wont come again
This time forever baby
This time it’s the end

(C)1991, TK Major

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Just before dawn…

Because I couldn't have you...

He saw her five days a week.

When she transferred in from Vancouver, he’d been with his girlfriend for a few years and it looked like it would be that way forever. But stuff happens. People move on. His GF moved on — to a “real” job in another state. She wrote. He wrote. They visited each other, she awkwardly showing him the bars she’d found in her new city, he taking her to their familiar haunts at her request, feeling ever more separate. He knew she knew it was inevitable. And it was.

Not reeling but feeling a bit empty and tired from the long time coming breakup, he tried to keep his focus on his job, asking for more work and ending up leading a team creating a proposal for a big client. The team included the girl from the Vancouver branch and he found himself noticing what he thought of as her subtle charms, the way her bright green eyes sparkled with enthusiasm, the slightest spray of freckles across her cheeks, the businesslike but distinctly feminine way she carried herself when they met with clients. He decided to ask her out after the proposal project was finished, about six weeks away. The decision gave him license, somehow, to secretly luxuriate in all the little ways her everyday behavior charmed him.

The proposal was finally done and the initial response was favorable. That night, the entire team went out to dinner and most of them stayed to drink.

Late in the evening, just four people besides himself, clustered in an over-sized booth in the cocktail lounge, conversation drifted, then fell into a lull.

“I think I may have met someone,” the girl from the Vancouver office finally said. “He works in Garrison’s legal. We’ve only gone out once. But he’s nice.”

The proposal was eventually accepted, which ultimately would make the company an extra 60 million so. Not too much later, he found himself in a rented tux, marvelling at the perfect dynamic of rental price vs retail price factored by changing styles that kept him from owning his own formal attire. “Just buy a good one with muted styling and ignore the fashions,” his older brother would tell him. Which sounded pretty good until you saw how it worked out on his brother.

There were maybe a hundred people in the banquet room. He found himself impressed, in spite of himself, by the appointments, and the glimmering pond beyond the tall leaded windows. He caught sight of himself in a mirror and steeled himself for the evening to come. Then, in the mirror, over his shoulder he saw the girl from Vancouver and the handsome young lawyer she been seeing. It was impossible for him not to think of the guy in just that way: the handsome young lawyer. He figured he was probably a hell of a nice guy and it made him hate the sap even more.

Not long before dinner, a flurry of activity by the entrance drew his attention. As he looked he saw male heads pivot like the heads on mechanical dolls and he followed their eyes.

The girl walking in alone was almost spectacular. Hell, she was spectacular. Long legs that tapered down to long, spiky heels, a shimmery gown that bared cream-colored shoulders, brown hair with a sunny hint of red cascading across those shoulders, and a beautiful face that seemed, even at a distance, to be strangely familiar…

Her eyes scanned the room, brightening for a moment as she made her way toward the apparent focus of her attention. Her path carried her past him — and for a moment her green eyes met his and he knew without anyone having to tell him that it was the Vancouver girl’s sister.

He wasn’t sure how it happened.

He found himself dancing with her, the sister. Her body was slim and seemed to fit against him perfectly as they danced. The song ended and he started to walk her back to the table she was sharing with her sister and her sister’s handsome young lawyer — but she said, “Wait… won’t you dance another dance with me?” Her green eyes held his but all he could see in them was the glow of short term promise and the impenetrable depth of long term mystery.

They danced almost all night and then walked along the shore of the lake under an impossibly big moon and a starry sky. Her body pressed against his side, tightly, her arm holding his own against her, as their steps seemed to rhyme effortlessly.

They found themselves in his flat, moonlight fading through the second floor window, tangled in sheets and each other, making love for what seemed like hours until, just before dawn, the phone rang. He cursed himself when he realized the volume was up, even as the oddness of a 5 am call began to register.

The girl in his bed held her fingers to his lips. At first he assumed she simply meant that he shouldn’t get up to answer the phone — an unnecessary injunction, from his point of view — but later he wondered if maybe she wasn’t shushing him so that she could hear his machine

The girl, who had been moving gently against him as his outgoing message played, stopped dead as she recognized her sister’s voice.

“I’m sorry to call so late,” the girl from Vancouver said after she identified herself, a bit awkwardly. “I know I’ve never called you like this before but I wanted to talk.”

Talking, he thought, was not an option.

“I guess you’re not there. I’ll call you at the office, later… or something,” said the hesitant voice on the machine, even as its owner’s beautiful young sister rolled off him onto her back and pulled the sheets up over her naked body.

He followed her gaze up to the ceiling but all he saw was ceiling.

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April 8, 2006 version
Jan 15, 2006 version

I Slept with Your Sister

I slept with your sister
cause I couldn’t have you
She was younger she was prettier
and she wanted me too

we rolled and we tumbled
all night long
and then the phone rang
just before dawn
It was you on the line
from the phone downstairs
maybe you were lonely
maybe you were scared
and maybe I’ll never know
why you were there

I slept with your sister
’cause I couldn’t have you
she was younger she was prettier
but it didn’t ring true

we rolled and we tumbled
all night long
and when the phone rang
just before dawn

It was you on the line
from the phone downstairs
maybe you were lonely
maybe you were scared
and maybe I’ll never know
why you were there

2003-08-21
(C)2003, TK Major

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I walked around the world

Sometimes I think about ya...

The Let Down.

He didn’t see it coming.

He thought he was happy. Maybe, even, in love. And for the longest time she seemed to be in love with him.

In fact, he kept telling himself, there was no reason to think she wasn’t, still.

So, why did he feel like it was inevitable?

And, knowing its inevitability, there seemed no reason to put it off.

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November 20, 2006
March 20, 2006
studio version

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about ya
think about, think about
think about the things
I thought I’d do for you

Sometimes I wonder
how you’re doing now
I think about it
but I think it turned out best
when I think it through

I know I let you down
I let you down, I let you down
I let ya down hard
and I blamed it all on you

I threw your love away
and I laughed and I laughed
I laughed until I died
and when I came to…

the world — it was dead
and I walked around and I walked around
I walked around the world
but I couldn’t find you

I tore my soul open
it was empty, it was empty
a tunnel into nowhere
and I never got thru

sometimes I think about ya
think about ya, think about ya
think about the world I mighta had with you

(C)1999 TK Major

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