{"id":328,"date":"2007-05-19T19:14:00","date_gmt":"2007-05-19T19:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/?p=328"},"modified":"2015-10-29T18:53:32","modified_gmt":"2015-10-30T01:53:32","slug":"i-laughed-as-i-left-you-alone-i-set-your-little-soul-free","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/2007\/05\/19\/i-laughed-as-i-left-you-alone-i-set-your-little-soul-free\/","title":{"rendered":"I laughed as I left you alone&#8230; I set your little soul free"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/ayearofsongs\/images\/blogimages\/ItsNotRaining.jpg\" alt=\"Mea Culpa, Baby\" align=\"left\" border=\"1\" hspace=\"6\" vspace=\"2\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I was a college drop-out, working in a rundown, inner city self-serve gas station where the prices were usually so high the only customers we sometimes had were people limping along on fumes. They&#8217;d sputter into the gas station, put a buck&#8217;s worth of gas in and drive a block or two down the street to get some cheap gas at our always-busy competition. I&#8217;d often stop in there on the way home from work, myself.<\/p>\n<p>My GF at the time was a smart, pretty girl who grew up in Bel Air (you know, where Reagan lived after he left the White House?)<\/p>\n<p>She was in law school most of the time we were going out (though she had dropped out during the brief period we actually lived together&#8230; it must have been her bohemian period) and she often bounced what she was learning off me. So I found myself picking up a fair amount of legal jargon and half-digested theory and doctrine. (One man&#8217;s seamless web is another&#8217;s jumble of disassociated bits and pieces.)<\/p>\n<p>Probably no phrase or piece of jargon from that era has come in so handy, over the intervening years, as the snip of Latin, <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">mea culpa, <\/span>which, of course, means <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">my guilt<\/span> &#8212; or in the stunted vernacular of our head-shrunken era, <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">my bad.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>It seemed to cry out for a song. A nice little song about doin&#8217; wrong.<\/p>\n<p>But, in those days, I just couldn&#8217;t seem to write a nice simple song about someone doin&#8217; someone wrong, <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">oh, no<\/span>.<\/p>\n<p>If we were going to be talking about <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">guilt<\/span>, we were going to be talking about cosmic guilt&#8230; and multi-layered cosmic guilt, at that. I&#8217;d recently read Fowles&#8217; <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/The_Magus_%28novel%29\"><span style=\"font-style: italic;\">The Magus<\/span><\/a>, and my head was filled with notions of the illusion of identity and personality and revelation. So, a little bit of legal jargon became a jumping off point.<\/p>\n<p>Even then, there was a certain autobiographical <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">irony <\/span> apparent to me. (Like <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">divine irony<\/span>, yes? &#8212; we need not, I think, distract ourselves with a usage argument over the word <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">irony.<\/span>)<\/p>\n<p>My long suffering first real girlfriend (henceforth to be known by the acronym LSFRG) was the victim of a makeover plot by me&#8230; not really a plot, since she was willing to go along for the ride.<\/p>\n<p>I had decided that, given some appropriate <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">raw material<\/span>, I could remake any intelligent, reasonable looking girl into my <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">perfect girlfriend<\/span>. (And it should be noted that LSFRG was considerably more than &#8220;reasonable looking.&#8221; I thought she was the cutest thing I&#8217;d ever seen, even in her leftover geek-honor student clothes. Once I got her tricked out in tight-fitting jeans and floppy peasant shirts she was, in my proud estimation, just about <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">perfect<\/span>.)<\/p>\n<p>This was, of course, the addled and spectacularly uncomprehending thinking of someone who had grown up with some <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">serious<\/span> empathy issues. I was sentimental &#8212; to be sure. I understood the concept of other&#8217;s emotional pain and suffering&#8230; but the reality of it often escaped me.<\/p>\n<p>And, ultimately, the reality of the situation was that I caused this young woman &#8212; who in my own selfish, thoroughly tweaked way, I really loved &#8212; enormous pain.<\/p>\n<p>I could only evade that reality so long.<\/p>\n<p>Eventually, at what was supposed to have been the end of the relationship, we engaged in a marathon emotional debriefing (which, like other pivotal moments, I&#8217;ve discussed elsehwere in AYoS) and it <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">finally hit me&#8230;<\/span> for maybe the first time in my life, I think, I started really feeling someone else&#8217;s pain, not as an intellectual or an ethical consideration but as&#8230; <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">pain.<br \/>\n<\/span><br \/>\nIn the end, it was <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">me<\/span> who pined for her, for years, even as I realized she was far better off without me. The dreams I thought I&#8217;d thrown away came back to haunt me again and again&#8230; sometimes they haunt me still.<\/p>\n<p>And, so, ultimately, the &#8220;I&#8221; in this song may not be <span style=\"font-style: italic;\">me<\/span>&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><b><i>Mea Culpa, Baby<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<!--[if lt IE 9]><script>document.createElement('audio');<\/script><![endif]-->\n<audio class=\"wp-audio-shortcode\" id=\"audio-328-1\" preload=\"none\" style=\"width: 100%;\" controls=\"controls\"><source type=\"audio\/mpeg\" src=\"http:\/\/www.archive.org\/download\/TKMajor_MeaCulpaBaby_AYoS_20070518\/2007-05-18_AYoS_Mea_Culpa_Baby.mp3?_=1\" \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archive.org\/download\/TKMajor_MeaCulpaBaby_AYoS_20070518\/2007-05-18_AYoS_Mea_Culpa_Baby.mp3\">http:\/\/www.archive.org\/download\/TKMajor_MeaCulpaBaby_AYoS_20070518\/2007-05-18_AYoS_Mea_Culpa_Baby.mp3<\/a><\/audio>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.archive.org\/details\/TKMajor_MeaCulpaBaby_AYoS_20070518\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-size: 78%;\">more stream &amp; DL options<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: 78%;\"><i>previous versions<\/i><br \/>\n<a href=\"http:\/\/www.ayearofsongs.org\/ayearofsongs\/2006\/09\/mea-culpa-baby.html\">Sunday, September 10, 2006<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: 78%;\"><span style=\"font-style: italic;\">lyrics<\/span><\/span><br \/>\n<b><i>Mea Culpa, Baby<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<p>Mea culpa, baby<br \/>\nmeans I&#8217;m guilty, I&#8217;m the one<br \/>\nI&#8217;m the one who broke your heart<br \/>\nbut it wasn&#8217;t just for fun<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-style: italic;\">I watched as your friends turned away<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-style: italic;\">when you turned to me<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-style: italic;\">I laughed as I left you alone<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-style: italic;\">I set your little soul free<\/span><\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m not going to tell you<br \/>\nwhere I hid your heart<br \/>\nyou&#8217;ll just have to figure out who I am<br \/>\nYou must go back to the start<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-style: italic;\">I am everything you are not<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-style: italic;\">I&#8217;m the other side of the line<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-style: italic;\">Just a matter of push and pull<\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-style: italic;\">but the boundary always hides<\/span><\/p>\n<p>[circa 1975]<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: 78%;\">(C)2007, TK Major<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I was a college drop-out, working in a rundown, inner city self-serve gas station where the prices were usually so high the only customers we sometimes had were people limping along on fumes. They&#8217;d sputter into the gas station, put a buck&#8217;s worth of gas in and drive a block or two down the street [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pgc_meta":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[6,340,27],"tags":[771,770,768,772,769],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/328"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=328"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/328\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1737,"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/328\/revisions\/1737"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=328"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=328"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ayearofsongs.org\/blg\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=328"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}